A mother and child walk hand-in-hand down a rural path, symbolizing the connection between childhood upbringing and adult behavior.

How Your Childhood Shapes Your Ability to Heal and Achieve Goals: Insights from Psychology and Neuroscience

October 18, 2024
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I won’t expect the opening of this article to surprise any of you; in that our childhood experiences play a significant role in shaping the adults we become. Whether we grew up in an environment filled with positive reinforcement—where we were encouraged and praised—or negative reinforcement, where criticism and avoidance ruled, these early life lessons mould our behaviours and mindset in those more formative years. But how exactly does this early-life influence manifest in our adult lives, particularly when it comes to healing, growth, and setting (let alone ‘achieving’) our goals for change? Well, I believe that understanding the science behind reinforcement can shed light on how we respond to challenges today, so please continue reading.

The Psychology of Reinforcement: Psychologists have been exploring how reinforcement—positive or negative—impacts our development and behaviour. B.F. Skinner’s operant conditioning theory demonstrated that behaviours are shaped and maintained by reinforcement. Positive reinforcement strengthens a behaviour by rewarding it, while negative reinforcement strengthens a behaviour by removing an aversive outcome. However, negative reinforcement can also create a focus on avoidance—preventing pain or failure—rather than fostering proactive, growth-oriented behaviours. For adults, this often translates into fear-driven goal setting, such as “I don’t want to fail” or “I don’t want to be unhealthy.” It also reinforces avoidance, in some, to a level that may otherwise register in other diagnosis or behaviours.

Skinner’s work, while groundbreaking in understanding behavioural reinforcement, admittedly left open questions about long-term emotional development and goal achievement, areas which have fortunately been further explored in more recent research.

Fixed vs. Growth Mindsets: Building on Skinner’s foundation, Carol Dweck’s Mindset Theory explores how the way we are reinforced as children—whether through praise for effort or ability—can lead to the development of either a fixed or a growth mindset. A fixed mindset (if you’ve followed me elsewhere, you’ve undoubtedly noted my referencing these terms often) is often rooted in the belief that abilities are static, leading to fear of failure and avoidance of challenges. This is commonly seen in those who were raised in environments where negative reinforcement dominated the more formative years of their upbringing. They grew up focused on what they couldn’t do or what they needed to avoid.

In contrast, a growth mindset is fostered by environments that celebrate effort and learning rather than only outcomes. Children who are praised for their perseverance and process tend to become adults who see challenges as opportunities to grow. As adults, they set aspirational goals like “I want to improve my health” rather than focusing on fear-based goals like “I don’t want to stay sick.” Dweck’s work underscores the power of a positive, effort-based upbringing in shaping one’s long-term resilience and capacity for growth.

Interestingly, we have numerous additional studies into the psychology of how our focusing on “I don’t want to stay sick” will equally help us build further safeties around us that enhance our likelihood for avoidance, and can mimic rational thought dispelling any need for change. We often hear people refer to ‘where we’re comfortable’ in these types of situations, and that comfort is where our subconscious rests; knowing we’re safe when we’re not changing…even when the safe place we’re currently in isn’t our best or healthiest selves (physically or mentally), as it’s our ‘known’.

Attachment and Emotional Regulation: John Bowlby’s Attachment Theory complements these findings by focusing on how early attachment styles—secure or insecure—affect our emotional regulation in adulthood. Children who are raised in nurturing, secure environments are better equipped to handle stress and are more likely to set and achieve goals as adults. Insecure attachment, often stemming from inconsistent or negative reinforcement, can lead to anxiety, difficulty with emotional regulation, and a tendency to avoid challenges or rely on external validation.

While many individuals who have endured negatively reinforced childhoods or trauma might argue that they are better equipped to handle stress, this perceived strength often stems from a survival-based approach rather than true emotional regulation. These individuals may have developed coping mechanisms, such as detachment, emotional suppression, or hypervigilance, that allow them to endure high-stress situations. However, these strategies are often reactive and based on managing immediate threats, rather than fostering resilience or emotional growth. In contrast, individuals who experienced positive reinforcement tend to handle stress through proactive emotional regulation, meaning they process and adapt to challenges in a healthy, growth-oriented way rather than merely ‘surviving’ them. The difference lies in being equipped to thrive in stressful situations versus merely enduring them.

Think on ‘Procrastination’, as one glaring topic I speak on frequently. Consider what role procrastination has played in your life; if you are who I’m speaking to around negatively reinforced childhood and the struggles in moving forward today, and then read the above paragraph again in that context. Is it like looking into a mirror for you?

In practice, this means that adults with secure attachment styles, shaped by positive reinforcement in childhood, are more likely to approach life’s challenges with confidence. They tend to embrace the discomfort that comes with change, knowing that growth is possible. On the other hand, those with insecure attachment may shy away from opportunities for growth, perceiving them as threats to their self-worth. They may move forward with change, but more likely against their own wishes (ie: they’re being ‘forced’; health scare, proposed career or job jeopardy, etc.), and will procrastinate on the said change until they’ve no other choice but to act. All the while, I might add, fully expecting to fail in the change or situation they’ve found themselves.

The Neuroscience of Habit Formation and Change: From a neurological perspective, childhood reinforcement directly affects how we form habits and approach change. Neuroscientists have found that both positive and negative reinforcement create pathways in the brain, often referred to as “habit loops.” These loops automate responses to familiar situations, making change difficult without conscious effort. However, the brain remains plastic (you’ve listened to me drone on about neuroplasticity plenty), meaning it can rewire itself with new experiences and intentional focus.

Research on neuroplasticity shows that those raised in environments of positive reinforcement are better able to adapt and form new, healthier habits in adulthood. They approach change with a mindset of possibility. Conversely, those with negative reinforcement backgrounds often rely on avoidance or coping mechanisms, staying trapped in habits that provide short-term relief but hinder long-term growth.

Parental Support and Self-Worth: Research by Wentzel (1998) on parental support and emotional regulation shows how children raised in supportive, positive environments develop stronger self-regulation skills and higher self-esteem. This impacts their academic and personal success later in life. Those who receive negative reinforcement often struggle with self-worth, leading to avoidance of goals or reliance on external validation to feel accomplished.

In adult life, this translates into two distinct pathways. People who were positively reinforced tend to seek out goals that align with their inner values and have the confidence to pursue them. Those raised with negative reinforcement often set goals that are more about avoiding failure or proving themselves to others, which can lead to burnout and frustration.

Reflecting on Your Own Experience: Take a moment to reflect on your upbringing. Were you encouraged to focus on your strengths, or were you constantly reminded of what not to do? Did you receive praise for effort, or were you criticized for mistakes? Understanding whether your childhood was shaped by positive or negative reinforcement can offer clues about your approach to life’s challenges today.

If you find that you’ve been stuck in cycles of avoidance—whether in your personal life, career, or health—consider how much of that might stem from a childhood dominated by negative reinforcement. On the flip side, if you’ve experienced more growth-oriented behaviour, reflect on how positive reinforcement may have shaped your ability to embrace change and strive toward your goals.

Moving Forward: The good news is that your past doesn’t have to dictate your future. At all. Unless you want it to. I’ve only written this article so that you’re now aware of how understanding the psychological and neurological roots of your behaviours is the first step in making lasting change. Whether you grew up in a trauma-filled environment or one filled with positive reinforcement, you can rewire your brain and reshape your habits through conscious effort and self-awareness.

Conclusion: Our childhood experiences, whether steeped in trauma or nurtured by positive reinforcement, influence how we approach life today. Recognizing these patterns can offer powerful insights into our capacity to heal, grow, and achieve our goals. It’s not about blaming the past but understanding how it shaped us and using that knowledge to create a better future. It’s about staying in the comfortable discomfort, or putting one foot in front of the other, no matter how small your step. It’s about admitting–out loud–that you actually WANT change and are willing to make an effort, our resolve to stay where you are (because honestly, the stress of convincing others that you actually want change when you’ve no real intention of changing, can be an entirely different stress…and it’s not healthy). 

Again, your past only dictates your future if you allow it. I’ve not written this to condemn you, but to instead educate and encourage you to understand which path of crumbs you should be following; a gummy-bear path that leads to a strange old candy-covered cottage in the middle of a dark forest, or a path of gluten-free crumbs that leads you out of the dark wood, to a bright, open field filled with opportunity, healing, and positive change. A field free of procrastination, and filled with self-assuredness.

We can show you the path–and we can even walk along with you, but we can’t force you to walk. 

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