Ooookkkkkaaaay, I felt that shit and released it (fun times) for the time being. I was now stepping into unknown territory, a place of acceptance, of learning that I simply am unable to control everything in life (this coming from the control freak) because there’s always a piece to the puzzle that we’re not given until later.
It was mentioned earlier that I was headed toward
some big choices and that I’d been lying to myself so that’s where we are now.
These last few years have been filled with growth, expansion, healing, lessons, clearing the way for the future, (whether I was seeing it as that no longer matters) and choices, Soo many choices!
We always, always have a choice, even if we aren’t loving the choices before us we still have a CHOICE. I had some choices to make. The verdict that came down seemed (at the time) to completely change the game so I was faced with decisions that needed to be made from a place of acceptance and not fear (unlike the past where all decisions were fear based to some degree) I had to go inside and start truly listening to my intuition and start making choices that were for our highest good.
The first choice that needed to be made was employment. I had made a choice in 2014 to join the Military, at the time it was for all of the right reasons and was a path I needed to take (we’ll get to this story another day) but the longer I was in the more I realized it wasn’t for me. I had already started taking small steps toward releasing because I had promised the girls I was never leaving them again only I had not yet fully embraced nor accepted that I would actually have to walk away from my career. I was finally seeing that my career meant nothing if it was going to take me away from my children and the reality is the Military always takes us away from our family.
There’s simply no getting away from this fact, it’s what soldiers do, what they signed up for and while writing this an age old “you weren’t issued a family” comes to mind. When we sign the dotted line we have literally given control of our health, well-being, security and life to our country. This means that we leave our family and embrace the family we’re “issued”. Those we train with, those we live with for months on end and those who also wear the uniform. The brainwashing that takes place is impressive (also a story for another day) and when you’re fully in you don’t notice what’s happened. I suspect this is why my transition back to parenting was so rocky. I felt this sense of duty to the organization and those I’d been training with and was feeling resentment at having to actually be an adult again.
Anyway, I digress! Back to choices!
I decided it was time to leave behind the uniform and the organization, I know that if the verdict had of been different I would’ve stayed in and caused a rift that may never of been repaired between myself and my girls all for the sake of the organization. So against everyone’s advice I put in my release, it was one of the scariest days of my life but also one of the most empowering days. I was finally going to do what was right for me and take my power back. I decided I’d rather be poor (we are in New Brunswick after all) and home with my girls then financially secure with someone else telling me what to do every second of my life. Funny enough my request was approved and processed in less than a week (this is more than miraculous if you’ve ever dealt with the red tape that IS Military) so I knew my decision was the right one.
I was officially scared shitless though, now what the hell was I going to do to feed my kids.
I was single for the first time in almost a decade, was basically uneducated and living in a province that had pushed me towards the Military out of financial necessity in many ways and now I was turning my back on the only thing the Military offered me anymore, money. Now throw into the mix a custody battle that had been raging since 2016 and I had another choice to make. Fight for the sake of fighting (ego based righteousness) or say enough is enough and accept a new normal, no matter how unfair or uncomfortable it was at the time.
The sad truth is I’m still working on this acceptance and likely will be for much more time to come. I am however starting to see the big picture, one piece at a time. The way it all played out was necessary, to bring me to today. I had a shitty choice or a shittier choice, neither had anything at all to do with what “I wanted” but only took into consideration what was actually for the best for everyone involved.
Way to beat my ego into submission and start making decisions from a place of love instead of fear ?