So before we discuss the fallout from the verdict lets first go back to avoidance…
I had gotten incredibly good at looking at the bright side, puking positive affirmations and living only in the light, never stepping foot in the darkness because I was scared I may never find
the light again if I stopped to look at the shadows that lingered below the surface just waiting to erupt. Staying in the light and never taking time to allow those shadows to have a voice is a precarious place to be.
I had thrown myself into healing on all levels HOWEVER that was my way of pretending that all was well, it was my lie to myself, that if I always looked to the light the darkness would just go away… HA! Yes looking for all things positive and all the blessings in our lives each day is extremely important because it’s a daily reminder of how truly blessed we are but that doesn’t mean we don’t still have shadows to work through, pretending they aren’t there doesn’t make them go away, it just makes them fight for attention more because we’re not giving them a voice or the time to heal.
At this time I was taking every class I could, by March 2018 I had 3 on the go, I was finishing up my YTT, I was attending weekly Mindfulness classes and I had taken up another full course load all as a way to avoid feeling. I had learned that if I kept busy enough that the feelings would stay hidden and I could continue on my Merry way with a smile on my face. I smile thinking back now because it was just my ego trying to protect me yet again and I totally bought into it!
Old patterns die hard sometimes and being numb was one of my patterns.
So instead of processing feelings leading up to that fateful day I had physically and emotionally drained myself all in an attempt to avoid those feelings. I was again burning the candle at both ends, getting up each day at 4 to meditate, journal and then do yoga, working my full day, studying all three courses at night, attending the online live training and making it to all classes leaving me with maybe 5 hours of sleep a day to run off all while still taking care of normal day to day responsibilities… Sounds crazy right?! Seemed normal to me at the time (I wasn’t allowing myself to feel so I thought I was winning) until I walked right into that brick wall!
What I’m most grateful for looking back now is that I had the great sense for the first time to call on my growing tribe. I had finally asked for help during these months and I know that the army of lightworkers at my back kept me from falling far earlier then I did and also cleared the way for true healing to happen when I was finally ready to be real and stop the avoidance.
Okay, so the wall..
Verdict came down March 16 2018 and my inner child threw a temper tantrum, this rage bubbled up, confusion, exhaustion and ALL of the undealt with emotions from the past 6 months finally got their time in the spotlight… My daughter took the verdict far better than I did, she was more of a realist about it I suppose. I had been so focused on my idea of right and fair that I was living in fantasy land instead of the society we currently live in.
I was blessed to have a doctor put me out of work for two weeks so I could finally process these feelings and start making plans for our future. I was back in the real world!
The first week I cried (and cried, and cried, and cried), raged, processed Mom guilt, beat myself up for not being being stronger years ago and looked at every single decision I’d ever made leading up to that day wondering if there was anything else I could of done… Then it hit me near the end of the first week of processing, I had done my best.
I can only control my own actions, my own reactions and I can only live for the present moment.
Yes I had emotions to process that stemmed from the past and my choices but the only thing I truly have control over is this moment, right now. I could choose to beat the shit out of myself for the coming months or I could accept the outcome and learn to build from that moment. Feelings are necessary and deserve to be acknowledged that does not mean we must sit with those emotions in an act of self harm though, feel that shit and give it a voice but be a witness to the emotions as they pass through and always remember the only thing we actually have control over is our reaction.
I finally gave those shadows their time, I gave my inner child all she needed to heal and I hugged my girls tight rejoicing, knowing (for real) that I was never leaving them again.